Feb 1

Feb 1 .Though They are Gone, You Can Still Talk to Them.

Dear Friend,

I hope your January sustained the goodness and hope that typically coincides with a new calendar year. I had some up and down days, but overall good results from a month focusing on nourishment to my spirit, mind, and body. More sleep, more reading, more walks (in the brisk snow!), more workout sessions, more good eats, and even some good shows.

One thing that is essential nourishment to my thoughts, actions, and feelings is writing, which ironically I did not do that much of. Why?!! I did not write to you here (clearly), but I also did not write daily in a journal. I was doing very well at continuous daily writing till the last week of January. The previous months’ worth of consistency just disappeared from my motor memory.

Ah, one of those examples of appreciating something and knowing the incredible value of it in your life, yet actively choosing not to do it. What was I thinking? That analysis is a topic for another time.

Despite my broken streak I have no remorse for those lost days. Rather, I have a joyous and grateful feeling to rediscover my journal, which I clutched gratefully today before returning to the page I left it a week before.

This forgotten habit (yes, okay I know it was only a week), fits neatly with the other realization I have remembered. I say remembered and not discovered because I know I have done this in the past and found it incredibly healing… talking to those loved ones who have left me.

This may bring an image of me sitting in a séance chanting to a lost friend, but no haha that is not what I mean. While others may use those methods, I mean a different beautifully empowering method. By writing or speaking out loud to those who are gone from my life, I can get the comfort of being heard or an answer to my question by simply putting this person in my mind.

This ‘remembrance’ of talking to those who left me occurred when I was struggling with a question myself. While reviewing my bookshelf, I came across a book that my former acupuncturist had gifted me. Sadly, he passed away a few years ago. “How I wish he was here,” I thought. “How I wish I still could talk to him.”

Well, something inside me responded to my previous thought, “you still can”. Huh?

This is something that various people and doctors have suggested to me in past. To heal emotional wounds that are still open. To finally have important conversations that were never had. Even to talk with a better version of yourself that is ideally in your future.

Calling someone to mind gives me a person to direct my thoughts. I present my thoughts less discombobulated and more organized, more thorough. I know that they won’t answer me audibly so that I can hear a response from them. But sometimes, I can hear. I can hear in my heart or my soul what they would say to my quandary or frustration. I respond for them from my experiences with them.

If that sounds wild to you, try it. Think of a grandparent, teacher, or good friend that is no longer in your life. Think of some question you are struggling with the answer to. What is it? Now, when this person was with you, how would they greet you? Would they smile or gaze at you sternly? And to this question, what would they say to this?

Writing to those who are not currently with you enables you to respond for them from your experience with them.

We have most all heard the phrase, “what would Jesus do?” (WWJD?). You could even start your “conversation” with someone that way (“what would grandpa do?”). This phrase also highlights a fantastic reality… your conversation does not have to be with someone who has passed away or even with someone that you personally knew.

You can call to mind someone who is still fully alive, but for whatever reason not in contact with you. I think of a therapist I used to see before she retired. Rather than calling her up every time I am stuck, I respect her retirement and talk through this with myself and call to mind our previous conversations and her typical response to my comments. Sometimes this works. Sometimes my quandary is bigger than these personal writings or conversations. In those cases I message or schedule a meeting with a current therapist (which is a very healthy thing to do, need you a reminder!).

You can call to mind someone you have never met before, but are inspired by. Lincoln? The Dalai Lama? Georgia O’Keeffe? Jesus? Your Great Great Grandmother? This requires you to answer for them based on your experiences “with” them in stories, books, shows, museums, photos, or any method through which you learned about them and their character.

You can call to mind someone you have never met and don’t even know exists. Is this the person you imagine as the best possible partner for you? Is this you in 5 years? Is this the wise elder you have never met? This takes more creative imagination to draw these people up in your mind, but if you have the time this is fun. For me it is usually more telling of what I am looking for in my future, and it answers more than just the questions I am directly wondering about.

Lastly, you can call to mind someone who is fully alive and still part of your life! Sometimes just thinking of how my mom or sister would comfort me is just enough for me to feel nurtured and loved and then get back to the day! Other times I am completely at ease knowing I need a real call or chat from a family member. These people are still here with you, take advantage!

Since that day I missed my acupuncturist and his always-timely wisdom, I not only felt the sense that I could still access his wisdom, but I also did access his wisdom. Not in the same manner as when we were in a session with him responding to my questions. But, in a way honoring our past conversations and relationship by remembering his personality enough to make a pretty good guess at what he would tell me. And that pretty good guess was the next best thing to speaking face to face.

In Sympatheia, The Holistic Stoic