.4 Stoic Practices for the Holidays.
Dear Friend,
This year has presented challenges for everyone to varying degrees. That is certain. Something usually certain in the year is the holiday joy at the end of a calendar year into the new year. For many reasons, it may be more difficult to maintain that happiness, that joy, and that hope this year.
During this year stores have been remodeled, jobs have changed, loved ones lost, environments altered, safety and health redefined. Well, even the holidays looks different for all of us. However you are spending this holiday season, below are four practices to manage the merriment, frustrations, joys etc. that may come. Reading in order, these practices build upon the other. By the end, your spirit, mind, and body should be fully prepared for the weeks to come!
Hope for the Best, Plan for the Worst
Envision the video chats, meetings, get-togethers, appointments you may have. You and your family sharing smiles, laughter, gifts, and stories. Now what could go wrong? The technology may fail. The roads may be too dangerous for your food order to be delivered. The family that was planning to visit may get sick. Someone may rile the group up by bringing up beliefs or politics. A friend may forget to join your call. The gift you expected may not happen. Your kids may ignore your requests to help in the kitchen OR make a complete mess while ‘helping’.
You see, there is a lot we can hope to turn out so well, but often one mishap can turn the day sour if we let it. Through the Stoic act of Premedatatio Malorum, we can envision the possible pains or disappointments that will happen during these holiday traditions. This activity is not meant to call out all that could go wrong to cause early stress. Rather, to increase resiliency by anticipating and bracing yourself by planning for what you can influence and being calm in the face of any mishaps.
Know a friend notorious for being late or forgetful? Kindly remind them before your scheduled group gathering. If they still fall through, well you influenced where you could but that was out of your control.
Welcome What Comes Your Way
See events as opportunities, not burdens. After making a mental list of what you’re looking forward to and also what may go wrong in #1, you have a pretty good sense of what to expect good or bad. Whether you can prepare for it or not, anything that comes your way can be viewed as an opportunity not a burden. An unexpected phone call, an oven malfunction, a known addition or loss from the seating chart.. these can all be events that frustrate us.
But where in these events are opportunities? Opportunities to respond kindly to the nosy neighbor on the phone. To practice our skills cooking something on the stovetop while we schedule a local repairman to help us with his skills. To honor and celebrate the memories we shared with one who is gone? To welcome in a new family member or friend?
The Stoics call this love of what may come our way, Amor Fati. Seeing the possibilities, not the limitations in situations that usually induce anxiety, fear, or sadness is not easy but it is possible with effort and intention.
For me this year, I am spending Christmas away from my parents and siblings for the first time. I feel a sense of loss in missing out on the Christmas Eve and Christmas day traditions we share together, but I am planning for the opportunities that this presents: the chance to express my love and appreciation by sending words of love in a Christmas card, calling them to chat, and the delayed excitement of saving some gifts to open together when we are able to see each other. And once Christmas day comes, I surely will feel some sadness that we are not together. But the practice of Amor Fati is to acknowledge your situation, feel the emotions, and act on the new opportunities.
Keep Calm
Through the speculating we’ve already done in the past two practices and through your own experience, you know that we can expect to feel a range of emotions during the season of lights, gifts, and eggnog. The Stoics practice Apatheia (not apathy), which represents a state of mind not overcome by the passions from any emotion. In practice, this means to yes feel your emotions! But practicing apatheia also means to control your emotion (be it elation, sadness, frustration, etc) rather that the emotion controlling you and your actions.
So go ahead and be frustrated by the cousin who is hogging the airtime or the parent who is eating all the best cookies, just don’t let that frustration express words you may later regret.
Be Grateful for the Time You Have Now
During gift buying, gift wrapping, cooking, baking, invitations, scheduling, travel, and all preparation before and during events, it is easy to get caught up in the moment only for the day to be done and you not remember much. A sometimes uncomfortable but sobering practice by the Stoics is Memento Mori.
To remember your own mortality and that of those you love helps put this busy time into perspective. Yes the religious and non-religious traditions, the food, the gifts, the celebrations are a big part… but what would this time be without friends, family, pets? Your community is a critical part to all the other fanfare of the days. Calling to mind those that have gone and those whom are still here truly centers your being on what is most important during every day - those you love. Practice this and go into the
Final Thoughts
Remember, the over arching theme in Stoicism (and also cognitive behavioral therapy) is that it is not things or people that upset us, but the views we take on them.
I find the holiday season the most important time to apply this concept…and the hardest. Our family and friends are those we hold closest and value most. To be disappointed, frustrated, or sad during the holidays can be just as common as positive emotions. To plan for what could go wrong, adapt to what may come your way, keep calm when emotions are processing, and ultimately be grateful and present while spending this time with those you value and love, is much easier said than done. But! My hope is that with awareness on these tactics, we can go into the holidays with more intention and resilience, sharing our light and joy with others in the process.
In Sympatheia, The Holistic Stoic
Cover Image by @marciamota
Image by @ChadMadden
